I was thinking this morning about when I first started drinking.  I have five children. Four of them were asthmatic.  If I let them outside to play, they would come indoors wheezing.  My three year old grew whiskers as a result of the steroids he was on.  His face was pumpkin shaped.  I took at least one child to the doctor every week. My doctor and I saw each other so much that we were on a first name basis. The three year old had to have his blood tested every week.  I felt so bad for him that we went out for ice cream each time he had to see the doctor.  I was hoping he’d look forward to that.

I had three of them using a nebulizer to take their asthma medicine.  They had to take turns and the three year old would scream, “It’s not fair! It’s not fair!,” for the entire 15 minutes that he was using it.  I kept records like a nurse because they were all on 4 different medicines.  Yet they still wouldn’t get better.  If one of them contracted a cold, they’d all be on steroids which weaken the immune system and then it would start all over.  I was peddling as fast as I could, but it seemed my efforts to make my children healthy had sorely failed.  I was cooking health foods and reading all that I could to find any clues at all about why my children were so sick all of the time.  I had read every book about asthma that a lay person could read and it was all for nothing.

In the meantime, I was trying to home school my children, two of them were in diapers, two of them were teenagers and their father was never home.  He was working 90 hours a week which is how he coped, always fearing the ability to provide for such a large sick family.  I had my own problems with asthma and allergies and was extremely fatigued.

My doctor sent two of them to a specialist to see if they had Pulmonary Obstructive Disease.  After he examined them I asked if they had Pulmonary Obstructive Disease.

The doctor replied, “Oh God no!  You just need to make sure you give them their medicine as directed.”

I’m thinking, “Oh my God!  What more can I do?  He doesn’t think I’m giving them their medicine correctly?”

I was a faithful church goer for at least 16 years.  In that moment I had quit believing in God as a personal savior.  He certainly hadn’t saved me or my children and now the doctor is accusing me of not caring for my children properly.

I poured myself a glass of wine and lifted my glass into the air, “Here’s to you, God!!!”  Certainly, no lightening had struck.  What I did notice was that it was easier to get the dishes washed in the sink, I wasn’t bitching at my husband when he came home and I didn’t care anymore what the doctor had thought.  In that moment, I found the answer to all of my problems.  It was liquid courage.  It was “like the sun coming up in my belly.”  It worked for me until it didn’t anymore.

I am quite used to judging that something is good or bad.  My twelve step program helped me to just observe.  I have to admit after 11 years of sobriety and 14 years in a 12 step program I still judge everything in my life as good and bad.

But let me tell you what my family is like 19 years later.  The youngest child has no asthma.  The three year old that was on so many steroids that he grew whiskers, is an incredible trumpet player.  Because of his asthma, his air capacity is unbelievable.  I read all of the laymen’s books on asthma that I possibly could, so I went back to school for a degree in chemistry with an emphasis in biology.  I obtained the degree.  I work in a preventative health industry.  My health is amazing.  I’m now divorced and married to an amazing man that is home for dinner every night.  The other children that had asthma, struggle some with their asthma but steroids are rare.

By the way, the three year old is almost 21.  He remembers the ice cream and a chance to be alone with his mother but doesn’t remember his blood being taken every week.

You might say that is good.  You might even say that if it weren’t for those years of suffering I couldn’t have reaped the good that came out of it.

Just for today I’ve decided not to judge.