I’ve been talking to women lately that have children who are alcoholics.  There is a common thought process that these alcoholic children are ruining their lives.  I felt the same way when one of my children was in the middle of her disease.  When my children suffer from alcoholism or other self-destructive tendencies it just feels like my life is falling apart.  I feel like I can’t take another heart break in my life and quite frankly it literally feels like I’m dying.  I can feel my body shut down and it feels like I am a victim of the disease and the uncontrollable circumstances around me.  My life feels out of control.  I have the mistaken idea that I have suffered enough with my alcoholism to cover for my children and that my children will somehow be exempt.  So I deceive myself into thinking that life is unfair and that my higher power has abandoned me and my child.

With these kinds of thoughts and feelings, guess what happens to my spiritual condition? If my sobriety is contingent upon my spiritual condition I then put myself in danger of drinking.

The truth is because of my own alcoholism; my life is far richer than it ever was before.  I have a set of friends that don’t tell me what I want to hear.  They tell me what I need to hear.  They know me at my worst and they know me at my best and they love me anyway.  I have learned how to love unconditionally and have learned how to forgive.  They taught me how to view life in such a way as to bring peace.  They taught me how to have a conscious contact with a higher power.  They taught me how to do the next right thing.  They taught me why I should never take anything personally.  They taught me how to suit up and show up for meetings, work, school and life no matter how much pain I was in because it’s in the daily habits that our lives are made.  They taught me to take life one day at a time.  They taught me to have the courage to make necessary changes in my life and taught me when to let go.  They taught me not to quit before the miracle happened.

I tried to teach my children these things as I’m sure my parents tried to teach me.  But unfortunately we learn them through experience.  My alcoholism made me teachable and gave depth to my life that I could not have gotten any other way.  Why then am I trying to protect my children from this? I have to be careful of being so protective that I rob my children of the journey and experience of finding out who they really are and what they are made of.  It’s in that dark night of the soul that we find our way.  It’s in the dark night of the soul and the dignity of their own choices that our children will find their way.

I haven’t done anything to ruin my life.  I am on a journey of discovery and I am learning that my suffering is unnecessary and my worry is worthless.  My journey is teaching me to explore and have fun.  It has made me grateful for small things.  It has helped me to see the amusement in things that used to irritate me.  I want my children to experience those things and the self-confidence that is born of working through a seemingly impossible situation, because there is no such thing as impossible situations.  If we see our children struggling, it’s not the end of the world.  It the beginning.

I’m now watching my children’s children struggle with their issues.  I have a couple of grandchildren with self-destructive behaviors even at a very young age.  I am still prone to worry.  I’m here to tell you that the worry at times makes me insane until I realize that they are beginning their journey and I can’t prevent them from that nor should I want to.  I just hope that I have done enough inner work that I will be the wise old lady that they go to when they are ready.

So just for today, I’ll take some time to work on myself.  Maybe I’ll write.