Balance: an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady, a condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions, keep or put something in a steady position so that it does not fall, offset or compare the value of one thing with another.

One of my children was talking about balance this weekend.  I had to ask myself, “What does balance mean?  What does a balanced life look like?  How do I balance my family of five children and four grandchildren with a second marriage, a career, my recovery and my relationship to my higher power?  When is it appropriate to put all else on hold and take care of me?  When is it selfish?  Do I include the environment?  How about the animals I’m responsible for?  Where is the line between taking care of my house so that it’s a home and making it part of the Parade of Homes?  How about money?  How do I balance giving to my kids and saving for my future? How do I balance enjoying life and building up my bank account?  Where is the balance between doing the things I enjoy and taking care of others?  How about my heath?  How about what I eat?  How much do I take time out of a busy schedule and my family to exercise?”

The more questions I asked the more out of balance I felt and the more confused I felt.  I haven’t even added in my extended family.  I felt overwhelmed.  Clearly I’m out of balance.  I’m feeling unsteady.  I’m getting ready for a fall.  What that means for me is some kind of emotional meltdown or anxiety, sometimes a season of depression.

I thought of Rober Fulghum’s book, All I Ever Needed to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten.  “Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.”  He admonishes us to share, play fair, don’t hit, clean up your own mess, don’t take things, say you’re sorry, hold hands and stick together.  He makes balance simple.

My depression and anxiety are there for a reason.  They force me to balance my life.  I do not have the luxury of normal people to live off of balance for long periods of time running to and fro from one activity to another.  My years of untreated depression eventually brought me to medicate it with alcohol.  My anxiety and depression warn me that something is off and I’ve learned to pay attention.  I’ve learned to accept anxiety and depression for the warning signal that it is and be grateful for it.   Balance is continuous and it changes daily.  If I struggle with anxiety and depression it means that my life is off balance and I must do the inner work to make the adjustments.  It’s a one day at a time proposition.

Just for today I think I’ll draw and paint when I get home from work and maybe pet the dog too.