Lately I’ve been making myself insane with over-thinking.  I have conversations with myself in my head and I try to guess what others are thinking about me.  I begin to think my husband has lost interest and I worry about work.  Anyone who knows my husband would tell you how ridiculous that is.  I lose a lot of sleep but most of all I’ve gotten out of my peaceful place and I no longer feel comfortable in my own skin.  When this lasts longer than a couple of days the irritability starts to set in.  Then I become restless.  I start to think I should change where I work, where I live, etc., etc. Fear begins to take over.   Does that sound familiar?  Restless, irritable and discontent are classic hallmarks of a dry drunk.  Finally, when it gets to be so uncomfortable that I can’t stand it anymore I go back to the basics.

My first sponsor was a gentle woman.  She had to be.  I was extremely fragile in the beginning.  If I would have had a 12 step program Nazi, I probably would not be sober today.  I called her at least three times a day in the beginning because my anxiety was so severe.  I called several other people throughout the day too.  But one day after listening to my ranting, she became totally exasperated.  First of all, she told me that it was none of my business what anyone thought of me.

The next thing she said kind of shocked sense into me.  I’m a smart person.  I was going to school and taking calculus, chemistry and physics.  I had the attitude that I could out think anything if I just ruminated long enough.  Out of sheer frustration with me she said, “YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO THINK ANYMORE!  YOUR THINKER IS BROKEN!  YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO THINK!”  Then she said, “From now on you can use your thinking for math and science only.  In no other circumstance are you allowed to dwell or ruminate on any thought.”

For some reason those words resonated with me and I knew it was true.  Thinking in the end either damaged or destroyed most of my relationships.  It never failed to cause me extreme anxiety.  Worse of all, I was all I could think about.  It was once suggested to me by someone else in the program to just think about one other person besides myself today.  That was kind of a rude awakening because I always thought of myself as a kind person.  I’m not.  I’m self-centered.

It seems that what was true of me yesterday is also true of me today.  I’m still self-centered.  My thinker is broken and to tell you the truth it’s kind of a relief to me to know that I don’t have to think my way out of anything or try to examine my relationships.  I can live and let live.  I can allow my relationships to move in the direction that they will and trust in the process and my higher power.

Just for today I cease thinking.