Early sobriety was difficult for me.  The promises of sobriety are said to materialize, sometimes quickly sometimes slowly.  For me it was this painful grueling process in which I hung on by my fingernails for almost three years.  I had worked the steps. I had a sponsor that I called everyday along with other sober friends.  I went to meetings whenever I could.  I prayed and tried my best to assemble some sort of spiritual life.  I read books.  I was really no better off than before I had started drinking.  Or at least that’s how I felt.  I only drank for three years to medicate my depression before ending up in a treatment center.   I was still miserable and self-destructive.  Although I didn’t drink, I picked up smoking.  At times, I was suicidal.  And finally after three years of this, I relapsed.  I had to get out of the fear and anxiety somehow.  I was desperate.  The frightening part is that it almost was an automatic response to life’s stress for me.  There wasn’t a lot of forethought and it was totally unplanned.  It was such a short relapse that I decided no one needed to know about it (another story), but I did decide that maybe it was time to see a doctor and get some outside help and some antidepressants.

I know there are those in 12 step programs that disagree with having prescribed antidepressants.  I am not one of them as long as they are of the non-addictive variety.  What I know for sure is that I am bodily and mentally different from my fellows.  I have studied chemistry and biology and what I know today is that I sometimes suffer from not having the right amount of neurotransmitters in my brain to prevent depression no matter how hard I work my program.  I also know that my sobriety is contingent upon my spiritual condition.  I think sometimes I’m led by my higher power to seek medical help when necessary.  It’s not a character weakness.  For me it’s more like a bronchial infection that needs medical attention every so often when I have some unusual stress.

After three months of medication, I was a new person.  My life changed dramatically.  However, I don’t believe it was all in the medication.  My work with the 12 steps was preparation and the medicine was the catalyst that helped increase the activation energy of the work I had done, putting me in a far better place mentally in a shorter amount of time.

I do not recommend this for everyone. It’s just part of my story.  I do understand that my disease stands waiting for me.  I understand that there is also only so much stress, anxiety and fear that I can take before taking a drink is automatic.  I have a quality life and I work a solid program, but sometimes it’s not enough.  I need medical help.  I practice all kinds of alternative medicine and believe in living as drug free as possible which includes antidepressants and antibiotics, asprin, etc.  There is a time and a place for my program.  There is a time and a place for alternative medicine.  There is a time and a place for medical intervention.  The trick is putting aside my ego that tells me I can do it on my own and knowing how much is enough. Living life on life’s terms tells me that I will get a bronchial infection from time to time.  It tells me I will have depression from time to time.  I’m ok with that today and I’m ok with getting the help I need.

Just for today I will live life on life’s terms and accept it.