Denial.  “Denial is not a river in Egypt.”  Why do I hear people say that as if it’s a bad thing?  I like denial.  I think it’s a useful tool.  Denial probably saved my life.  It protects us from truths that we’re not yet ready to hear, truths that may be so life altering that we honestly couldn’t handle them.

I was in denial that my first marriage was empty and over.  I had five kids and I was a stay at home mom with no education and no skills. My kids were sickly and I took them to the doctor twice a week.  I was not in a place to change my life or disrupt my children or accept that the marriage for all practical purposes had been over for a long time. Finally when the stress was bad enough I discovered alcohol made me a little less bitchy when he got home from work.

I blamed him for everything.  I was in denial that I had a part in the disintegration of the marriage. I wasn’t in a place to accept any kind of blame or responsibility.  I was overwhelmed and exhausted and was having a difficult time coping with all of the illness and was mourning that my children were suffering.  I was sick myself and was trying to take care of myself and my kids knowing that I was doing a terrible job at both.  Accepting responsibility for anything more would have put me over the edge.

I was in denial that I had a drinking problem.  I didn’t know there was help and I didn’t know I could get help.  I kind of thought that I needed a mental hospital but didn’t feel I could leave my kids to get help.  I honestly thought that it was a phase I was going through and it would somehow miraculously go away and I’d be ok.  I was just having a tough time.  Accepting that I had alcoholism also would have meant to me at the time that I was immoral and deserved hell.  It would have been too much for me to accept when I was trying so hard to hold it altogether, until I learned that I had a disease that had been labeled by the American Medical Association because it is progressive and fatal.

I’m not saying that denial is healthy.  I’m just saying that when someone is in denial there is something deeper going on behind it.  I’ve been in denial.  I’ve had family members in denial.  Maybe instead of judging ourselves and others, we should have a little more compassion and try to gently nudge those we love instead of throwing them in the river, of Egypt, so to speak.  I realize this is more difficult when we are ignoring life threatening situations. Sometimes we need the slap in the face to wake up to life, to wake up to what’s going on around us.  I just think if we could exercise compassion instead of judgment with ourselves and those we love, our sobriety would reach the next level.  I write this not because I have mastered it but because it’s something I need to practice.

Denial is not a river in Egypt but it sure prevented me from committing suicide a time or two.  Just for today I will practice non- judgment and allow those I love to come out of denial in their own time and when they are ready.