Once the fog lifted enough that I realized how much I hurt other people, it wasn’t hard to go back and try to make amends.  There were people that forgave me and people that didn’t.  One woman I tried to make amends to three times.  My sponsor said, “We are God’s people.  We don’t crawl before anyone.”  She told me that I needed to accept that she wasn’t going to forgive me and be ok with it.  My father told me to stop and that I didn’t need to do or say anything more.  My being sober was enough.  I had a cousin that said, “If you’re trying to make amends, don’t.  There’s no need.”  None of it went the way I envisioned it in my mind.  All of it went the way it was supposed to.  The woman that didn’t forgive me I supposed had her own pain and it really wasn’t about me.  I grew to accept that.

But then it became time to make amends to myself.  Wow, how was I going to put back what I had broken in myself?  I had vowed that I never wanted anyone to take care of me again.  My children took care of and parented me and I never wanted that again.   I also vowed that never again would I be dependent on someone else’s income or affections.  If I was to marry again it would be as an equal.

My amends to myself was to go back to school and get a bachelor’s degree.  The profession I chose was chemistry.  I had trouble getting loans and grants.  I had trouble juggling my class schedule with work and my children’s school and activities.  I had trouble with classes.  I was so anxiety ridden that it was difficult to concentrate.  I failed a couple of classes and retook them.  My grades were slightly above average and every day I was exhausted.  I’d be ready to quit and then I’d wake up in the morning and ask, “Where else are you going to go?  What else are you going to do?”  I didn’t know so I went to class.  It took me 10 years to finish and I had to take comprehensive exams on all of the chemistry classes I took in order to graduate.

The day I took my very last exam felt very ordinary.  I’m not sure what I expected.  I think I thought there would be a brass band or fireworks.  A standing ovation would have been nice.  I drove to my son’s house because it was nearby and cried on his shoulder like a baby.  It was finished.  The debt had been paid.  Then I simply went to my job and put on my lab coat.

You know, I wish I could tell you that I’ve never had another guilty pang or that I never beat myself up.  I probably punished myself by choosing the degree that I did.  I wish I could tell you that all of my resentment toward me was gone.  I’ve certainly have learned to forgive everyone else.  I can tell you this.  Whenever I start in on myself, I have the ability to say that the debt had been paid.  The slate is wiped clean and my life is new.  I know that I’m clean in my higher power’s eyes.

More importantly, over time I’ve come to know that my experience benefits others.  There is no other person that can reach an alcoholic but an alcoholic.

About three years sober, I spoke at a man’s funeral and I told his family how he was the first person that gave me any kind of hope that I could stay sober and told of how much his story touched my life.  His grown children who were maybe in their 50’s came to me later and expressed how much resentment they had toward their father and that I had helped them to understand alcoholism and come to peace with who their father was.  I had helped them to get closer.  I can think of no greater gift then what they had given me that day.  I could forgive myself a little bit more.

In spite of a small pang of guilt once in a while, I am grateful for who I am today, alcoholism and all.  I have what I want and I don’t have what I don’t want.

So I’m sharing my experience in the hope that my experience can benefit others, just for today.