I was sick again this weekend.  Somehow the flu turned into a cold and then pneumonia.  I spent all weekend in bed and by Sunday I was kind of lonely.  My husband spent the whole day outside doing yard work.  By the time he came in the house I was more than a little irritated with him because I thought he ought to spend some of that time with me.  I didn’t say anything.

I’ve learned through working the 12 steps and by being married once before that I tend to want to control the show.  I want to be the director and the actors.  I want to be in charge of sets and lights and I want to write the script.  I’ve learned to stop myself when I want to decide how someone else should live or spend their day.  I’ve learned how to stop myself when I want to decide how another person should show their love for me.  My natural character would have said, “Don’t you care about me?  I’m sick.  Aren’t you going to spend any time with me?”  I would have announced that he didn’t love me and the worst part is I would have believed it.

Working step four has taught me what my part was in the downfall of my first marriage.  I discovered that he wasn’t to blame for everything.  I had plenty of character defects myself.   I think what I know about relationships now that I didn’t before is the element of respect.  Today I respect my husband’s schedule and I respect the work he feels he needs to complete.  I respect his feelings.  The best part is he respects the same of me.

We are partners.  One person doesn’t get to make all of the decisions.  Relationships usually end up in some kind of power struggle and eventually fail causing the divorce rate to be as high as 50%.  If my relationship fails I normally end up in some kind of addictive behavior.  To prevent that I choose wisely and after I choose I allow him to be who he is.

When he finally did come in the house, the first thing he said was, “Do you want to watch a movie?”  It was one of the best times that we had spent together for a couple of weeks.  Had I nagged or cajoled or hollered or manipulated neither one of us would have had a good evening.

Today I respect people enough to accept no for an answer and respect them enough not to have expectations on how they should behave or act toward me.  That doesn’t mean I allow them to abuse me which is a different subject.

If I were to define respect I would say it’s a quality that allows people to be who they are without expectations of whom they should be.  Respect is accepting people for who they are.

It’s something I have to practice every day.  I don’t respect others perfectly but I’m glad I did Sunday.

Just for today I will respect those I come in contact with.