Month: November 2014

Thanksgiving

~ Patti ~ Leave a comment

I know the holidays are rough for most of us.  But for me it’s the one time a year that I’ve been able to put aside my depression and anxiety and focus on hope. My husband tells me that Christmas lives at my house.  I have a small ranch but I decorate several trees.  There is Christmas in every corner.  That’s not to say that I didn’t have some rough years.

I remember the year I was so mad at my husband, now my ex, that I actually threw the Thanksgiving turkey as it was coming out of the oven.  I’m not proud of that.  There should never be any reason for such a violent reaction.  Alcohol brings to us a myriad of regrets and behaviors that we never thought we were capable of.

The year after that I was six weeks sober and found myself sitting in an aftercare meeting Thanksgiving night.  I remember thinking, “I’ve only got to be among the lowest people on the face of the earth.  How did, I, get here?”

Those were probably my most despondent holidays.  That was 14 years ago.  It’s amazing what a decade brings.  My home is a safe place today.  It’s safe from me.  The holidays are joyous occasions that I get to spend with my five children and their spouses and kids.  I get to bring good memories and set my own traditions.  My grandkids know that I will get them books and they look forward to that.  I paint special ornaments on wood for my kids that they can pass on to their kids after I’m gone.  My Christmases will live on generations after I’m gone.

This year I look forward to spending Thanksgiving with my ex-husband and his wife.  They are family.  We will laugh and share our troubles and dreams and things that we’ve learned.  We will share our gratitude.

Maybe the holidays are horrible for you.  I pray you will wrap yourself in the fellowship of a group of alcoholics and make them your family.  I know a man that has a Christmas breakfast for his alcoholic friends.  He stays in service and takes care of his adopted family of ex-drunks.  He gives the gift of hope.

There are good years and bad years.  But I know one thing for sure, “I’ve have touched the bottom and it is sound.” –John Bunyan

Just for today I will look for those things that I can be Thankful for and remember that there will never be a holiday that a drink won’t make worse.  Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Relief From Self

~ Patti ~ Leave a comment

I’ve been working overtime for two months straight.  The company I work for is getting a new computer system so I’ve been working a lot of nights at home.  My daughter and I had a fight and when we talked about it later I realized I had a little PTSD going on.  She was extremely thoughtful and asked me what was going on to set it off.  She has the same disturbance sometimes and knows that stress usually is the trigger more than the actual memory.  I have a lot going on at work and at home and haven’t had the time to do any of the things that I do to take care of myself and my spiritual condition.

I go to 12 step meetings.  I camp…. In a trailer…  I actually Glamp.  When I’m out in the middle of the desert my mind quiets.  I’m at perfect peace.  It is my sanctuary where I meet my higher power.  I write in my blog.  It connects me to other alcoholics and gives me perspective.  I sit in my spa in a box cheap portable hot tub.  It relaxes me.  I dabble with my essential oils.  I read.  I exercise.  These are the things that have replaced alcohol in my life and center me.  I have not done any of them in two months.  You can guess how crazy I feel.

The thing is you don’t notice they are missing until it’s too late.  In my case, I blow a gasket, yell at someone I love, get grumpy to my coworkers, send snotty emails and I’m just plain unpleasant.  Then comes the voice of regret that tells me I’ve gone too far.  That means it’s time to get back to basics.

Everyone’s sanctuary is different but step 10 is the same for all of us.  We continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.  Step 10 is a wonderful tool but by the time we were wrong and admitted it the damage has already been done.  I think a more preventative step would be to wake up in the morning and ask, “What am I going to do today to nurture my spirit? And what kindness can I show today?” I forget that everyone else is just as stressed as I am.  I’m still the center of my own world and I live inside my head with the pride of life.  It’s all about my kids, my husband, my job and my house.  It’s about what I want and what I have.  It’s about my rest and my playtime.  It’s about my money.  It’s about me.  I tend to think that all of life is about me and that the world was especially formed for me.

I know that about myself and that character defect has been taken away from me enough to keep me sober.

I can’t say that the self-centeredness will change, but just for today I can say I will take care of my spirit and write.  Maybe it will relieve me just a little from self.