Anxiety

Thanksgiving

~ Patti ~ Leave a comment

I know the holidays are rough for most of us.  But for me it’s the one time a year that I’ve been able to put aside my depression and anxiety and focus on hope. My husband tells me that Christmas lives at my house.  I have a small ranch but I decorate several trees.  There is Christmas in every corner.  That’s not to say that I didn’t have some rough years.

I remember the year I was so mad at my husband, now my ex, that I actually threw the Thanksgiving turkey as it was coming out of the oven.  I’m not proud of that.  There should never be any reason for such a violent reaction.  Alcohol brings to us a myriad of regrets and behaviors that we never thought we were capable of.

The year after that I was six weeks sober and found myself sitting in an aftercare meeting Thanksgiving night.  I remember thinking, “I’ve only got to be among the lowest people on the face of the earth.  How did, I, get here?”

Those were probably my most despondent holidays.  That was 14 years ago.  It’s amazing what a decade brings.  My home is a safe place today.  It’s safe from me.  The holidays are joyous occasions that I get to spend with my five children and their spouses and kids.  I get to bring good memories and set my own traditions.  My grandkids know that I will get them books and they look forward to that.  I paint special ornaments on wood for my kids that they can pass on to their kids after I’m gone.  My Christmases will live on generations after I’m gone.

This year I look forward to spending Thanksgiving with my ex-husband and his wife.  They are family.  We will laugh and share our troubles and dreams and things that we’ve learned.  We will share our gratitude.

Maybe the holidays are horrible for you.  I pray you will wrap yourself in the fellowship of a group of alcoholics and make them your family.  I know a man that has a Christmas breakfast for his alcoholic friends.  He stays in service and takes care of his adopted family of ex-drunks.  He gives the gift of hope.

There are good years and bad years.  But I know one thing for sure, “I’ve have touched the bottom and it is sound.” –John Bunyan

Just for today I will look for those things that I can be Thankful for and remember that there will never be a holiday that a drink won’t make worse.  Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Everything Changes

~ Patti ~ Leave a comment

My daughter just celebrated four years of sobriety.  As I was sitting in her home group meeting watching her share I began reminiscing about when she first graduated from treatment and how unsure of herself she was.  She was struggling in this tiny apartment to etch out a living for herself.  Now she has four years, was just promoted to a position that put her and her two boys out of poverty level.  She and her boyfriend of two years have started talking about marriage.

I remember my own situation 14 years ago going through a divorce and a custody battle, hating my ex-husband and fearing everything. I went back to school wondering if I would ever make it or if I was smart enough. A friend described my early sobriety while he was sharing in a meeting on my birthday.  He said, “She was so nervous, she shook like a little Chihuahua.”  That was the truth.  Now my ex-husband and his wife are considered some of my best friends, I have a chemistry degree, I manage someone else’s business, drive a new car and am married to my soul mate.

During one of my worst times a friend of mine in the program said, “One thing I know for sure; everything changes.  Throughout the last 14 years when I’m frustrated, sad, feel stuck or depressed I take comfort in the fact that everything changes.  Change used to be frightening and quite frankly still is sometimes.  But when life takes a turn for the worst, I know that change is around the corner.

Life changed for my daughter in four short years.  Life changed for me.  Had I known that when I was worried I wouldn’t make it and full of anxiety, I might have enjoyed the journey.  I might have laughed with my children more, experienced more of college, been relaxed about dating, loved more, taken more baths and thought of others instead of myself.

I have a hard time remembering that when my back is against the wall at work or my husband needs to get his heart checked out or my kids tell me they are struggling with depression.  Tomorrow everything could be roses and when I get too confident in my position and my ego starts working, I have to remember that everything changes there too.  Tomorrow I could be knocked down a peg.  Life is that way.

So I think the point is to stay in the moment where peace abounds in any situation and not think about tomorrow.  I’m told tomorrow will take care of itself.  Everything changes.

Just for today, I’ll stay in the moment knowing that circumstances change and that peace is found in the now.

Fighting Against the Tide

~ Patti ~ Leave a comment

One of my sons went to the doctor for depression.  The doctor had him fill out a questionnaire that asked things like, “Do you think that bad things will happen to you?  Do you think that you are going to die?”  Even when my son is depressed, he always seems to find the humor in things.  He’s telling me the story and we’re both laughing, “Of course bad things are going to happen to me and I’m going to die.”  Doesn’t everyone know that?  As an alcoholic, those thoughts come naturally for me and apparently they come naturally for him too.

It turns out that he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in which at first I took the news rather well and decided that it made sense with some of his dangerous behaviors and highs and lows.  I was relieved he at least had a name to it and that there is definite help for it.  But after a couple of hours I started catastrophizing it.  I thought about all the bad things that could happen with it and thought that maybe he could die from dangerous behaviors or suicide.  I also thought that I must have been a really bad mother and I asked myself if I was abusive and I don’t remember it or don’t recognize it.  The more I wondered if I was crazy the crazier I got.

I texted my sister for some support and she said what I expected her too.  She told me to raise my energy and think about all the things I love about my son and to think positive thoughts about his healing.  She told me to create wellness and love.  I totally agreed with her, but as always, the practice is far harder than the theory.

By the end of the day I was so exhausted with worry and projection and beating myself up that I came home from work and went to bed without fixing dinner for myself or my husband.  As I lay in bed I thought of the things my sister told me to do.  I knew she was right but I still wanted to sulk.  I knew my son needed positive support but I couldn’t lift myself up enough to send it to him through meditation, prayer or any other way.  I couldn’t shake the thought that it was my fault or that I could have prevented it.

So I did what I used to do when I first got sober.  It’s my personality to fear life and tough times and just go to bed in the fetal position for days or weeks and not come out of my room fearing what’s on the outside.  When I first got sober I was afraid of doing that because I knew that I wouldn’t come out of my room except to go to the liquor store.  So when I went through divorce, or broke up with my boyfriend or needed a fourth surgery on my hand, I’d go to bed in fetal position but I would limit it.  Just for today I’ll stay in bed.  Tomorrow morning I’ll resume my regular life and practice positive thinking.

By doing that, I’ve allowed myself to grieve but not wallow.  It takes the pressure off and I don’t have to beat myself up for not being positive in a tough situation or not practicing what I preach.  I went to bed at 6:00am and got up in the morning and things looked just a little lighter which made it easier for me to meditate on the positive and send my son positive energy.

He called me two days later and reported that he was already feeling better.  I contribute it to the creation of positive energy and technology of course.  I also contribute it to the fact that I wasn’t trying to fight against the tide.  I allowed myself just enough isolation and grief to let some very real feelings and fear out but not enough to stop my productivity.  It allowed me to be rational about his depression and it allowed me to accept it as being life on life’s terms.

Just for today, I give myself a break and allow myself the time to pull myself together.

The Work

~ Patti ~ Leave a comment

“Step 1: Admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives were unmanageable.”   I had hit such a bottom that admitting “I’m powerless over alcohol” wasn’t a problem.   Alcohol had disabled me in such a way that I could no longer manage my marriage, my relationships with extended family, friends or my kids.  I couldn’t manage keeping the house clean.  If I had a job at that point in my life it’s safe to say that I wouldn’t have been able to manage that either.  My drinking had taken over everything I loved and had created this monster inside of me.  I had thought the whole world was out to get me and that no one understood who I was or what I was going through and I was getting a bad rap.  I was a self-proclaimed victim.  My life was unmanageable.

When we first get sober and the steps are new we sometimes revel in the new information and wonder why we couldn’t see it before.  I realized working steps 4 and 5 that I had created my own hell, so then it made sense that I could create my own heaven.  I set out to create the life that I wanted and after a decade achieved all that I had set out to do.  Sometimes I forget the years of hell.  Sometimes I forget I was a drunk.  Sometimes I forget I’m an alcoholic and I forget about my program of recovery.

Gradually, life happens and I become irritated at work, I’m irritated with my grandchildren, I’m trying to control my children and the things I want to achieve look like they’re never going to happen.  I gradually put myself back into the victims chair and begin to feel sorry for myself because that is my nature.  When feeling sorry for myself becomes too painful I wake up out of the daze I’m in and go back to the basics.  First I start keeping a gratitude journal and go back to Step 1.  I am powerless.  My job is to do the footwork.  The results are up to my higher power.  Trying to get the results on my own gives me chronic anxiety, so I need to turn it over to the universe and its eternal wisdom.

What I learned in the program is to suit up and show up.  When you do that, the results eventually come “sometimes quickly sometimes slowly.  They always materialize if we work for them.”  It’s true of the promises.  It’s true of everything else in life, but the vision must be clear or we forget and stop working.

Our 12 step program gave us the vision of the promises of living “happy, joyous and free” and gave us a road map to attain it.  The key for me was to give up control of the whens and hows of life.  I start with gratitude for what I have and a clear picture of what I want.  Then I do the next right thing, the work.  I’ve found when I take the first step the next step is revealed, so I let my higher power dictate the hows.  And “I came to believe that God could restore me to sanity.”  Sanity is knowing that it will all work out without having the chronic anxiety and fear that it won’t.

Just for today I will turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him knowing that when I do the work, the achievement is imminent.

Checking Out

~ Patti ~ Leave a comment

I was sick yesterday with the flu and was horrified when my Wi-Fi quit working because of the rain.  I was passing the time watching Netflix trying to zone out and not think about how lousy I felt.  I could have put in one of hundreds of DVD’s I own but I’ve been trying to practice mindfulness and thought that maybe this was a good opportunity to be connected to want is.  If I can’t even be there for myself and sit still when I’m sick or in pain, how can I be there for someone else who is sick and in pain.  I decided to just be for a little while.  I practiced some meditation and just drifted in and out of sleep.  When I was awake, I was at peace.

In early sobriety, I was hyper-agitated, anxiety ridden and everything in my life was a drama.  I was constantly worried about where my life was going to take me and how I was going to survive on my own.  I was told to stay in the moment.

I was driving down the freeway one afternoon on my way to school.  I was worried about an upcoming exam, I was worried about my kids, and I was worried about when my student grants were going to arrive.  I was so full of anxiety that I just couldn’t stand it anymore and finally remembered what I was told in a meeting, “Stay in the moment.”

“What does that even mean,” I thought to myself?  “I’m in the moment.  What are they trying to tell me?”  I’m racking my brain trying to ponder the meaning of this pat answer that I was given for my anxiety.  Finally it occurred to me that I was driving and maybe I should focus on my driving.  Then I realized that if I were focused on my driving or whatever else I was doing throughout the day that I probably wouldn’t have anxiety.

We live most of our lives zoning out.  We drive to work automatically and don’t even think about where we are or what we are doing.  We do our jobs on autopilot too.  When we come home we zone out in front of the TV or computer.  I’m not drunk anymore, but sometimes I still live my life checked out.  When I live my life on autopilot, my mind runs away with me and the anxiety creeps in.

I want to be present today.  I was at the state fair with my grandsons over the weekend and was there to see the amazement and amusement on my grandson’s face when he noticed the difference between a bull and a cow.  It had to be one of the top 100 moments of my life.  I was at the birth of another grandson.  I have four grandkids that I’ve been camping with and watched their personalities as they dealt with the outdoors and bugs and vaulted toilets.  It’s hilarious.   I don’t want to miss that stuff anymore.  In order not to miss it I have to be fully engaged and paying attention.  In order to be present for that sometimes it requires that we are present for the pain as well, my own and the pain of those I love.  I’ve watched teenagers struggle with finding their way and self- destructive tendencies.  I’ve watched a child struggle with being chronically ill.  I am watching now my second generation of children with their own emotional struggles.  I’ve watch friends die from alcoholism.  I’ve listened to countless stories of alcoholic women and the abuses they’ve suffered.  Don’t get me wrong. I’d love to check out for the pain, but life doesn’t work that way.  If I check out, I don’t notice the little things that make up the great moments of my life.

Just for today I’ll stay present.

Depression

~ Patti ~ Leave a comment

Early sobriety was difficult for me.  The promises of sobriety are said to materialize, sometimes quickly sometimes slowly.  For me it was this painful grueling process in which I hung on by my fingernails for almost three years.  I had worked the steps. I had a sponsor that I called everyday along with other sober friends.  I went to meetings whenever I could.  I prayed and tried my best to assemble some sort of spiritual life.  I read books.  I was really no better off than before I had started drinking.  Or at least that’s how I felt.  I only drank for three years to medicate my depression before ending up in a treatment center.   I was still miserable and self-destructive.  Although I didn’t drink, I picked up smoking.  At times, I was suicidal.  And finally after three years of this, I relapsed.  I had to get out of the fear and anxiety somehow.  I was desperate.  The frightening part is that it almost was an automatic response to life’s stress for me.  There wasn’t a lot of forethought and it was totally unplanned.  It was such a short relapse that I decided no one needed to know about it (another story), but I did decide that maybe it was time to see a doctor and get some outside help and some antidepressants.

I know there are those in 12 step programs that disagree with having prescribed antidepressants.  I am not one of them as long as they are of the non-addictive variety.  What I know for sure is that I am bodily and mentally different from my fellows.  I have studied chemistry and biology and what I know today is that I sometimes suffer from not having the right amount of neurotransmitters in my brain to prevent depression no matter how hard I work my program.  I also know that my sobriety is contingent upon my spiritual condition.  I think sometimes I’m led by my higher power to seek medical help when necessary.  It’s not a character weakness.  For me it’s more like a bronchial infection that needs medical attention every so often when I have some unusual stress.

After three months of medication, I was a new person.  My life changed dramatically.  However, I don’t believe it was all in the medication.  My work with the 12 steps was preparation and the medicine was the catalyst that helped increase the activation energy of the work I had done, putting me in a far better place mentally in a shorter amount of time.

I do not recommend this for everyone. It’s just part of my story.  I do understand that my disease stands waiting for me.  I understand that there is also only so much stress, anxiety and fear that I can take before taking a drink is automatic.  I have a quality life and I work a solid program, but sometimes it’s not enough.  I need medical help.  I practice all kinds of alternative medicine and believe in living as drug free as possible which includes antidepressants and antibiotics, asprin, etc.  There is a time and a place for my program.  There is a time and a place for alternative medicine.  There is a time and a place for medical intervention.  The trick is putting aside my ego that tells me I can do it on my own and knowing how much is enough. Living life on life’s terms tells me that I will get a bronchial infection from time to time.  It tells me I will have depression from time to time.  I’m ok with that today and I’m ok with getting the help I need.

Just for today I will live life on life’s terms and accept it.

Overthinking

~ Patti ~ Leave a comment

Lately I’ve been making myself insane with over-thinking.  I have conversations with myself in my head and I try to guess what others are thinking about me.  I begin to think my husband has lost interest and I worry about work.  Anyone who knows my husband would tell you how ridiculous that is.  I lose a lot of sleep but most of all I’ve gotten out of my peaceful place and I no longer feel comfortable in my own skin.  When this lasts longer than a couple of days the irritability starts to set in.  Then I become restless.  I start to think I should change where I work, where I live, etc., etc. Fear begins to take over.   Does that sound familiar?  Restless, irritable and discontent are classic hallmarks of a dry drunk.  Finally, when it gets to be so uncomfortable that I can’t stand it anymore I go back to the basics.

My first sponsor was a gentle woman.  She had to be.  I was extremely fragile in the beginning.  If I would have had a 12 step program Nazi, I probably would not be sober today.  I called her at least three times a day in the beginning because my anxiety was so severe.  I called several other people throughout the day too.  But one day after listening to my ranting, she became totally exasperated.  First of all, she told me that it was none of my business what anyone thought of me.

The next thing she said kind of shocked sense into me.  I’m a smart person.  I was going to school and taking calculus, chemistry and physics.  I had the attitude that I could out think anything if I just ruminated long enough.  Out of sheer frustration with me she said, “YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO THINK ANYMORE!  YOUR THINKER IS BROKEN!  YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO THINK!”  Then she said, “From now on you can use your thinking for math and science only.  In no other circumstance are you allowed to dwell or ruminate on any thought.”

For some reason those words resonated with me and I knew it was true.  Thinking in the end either damaged or destroyed most of my relationships.  It never failed to cause me extreme anxiety.  Worse of all, I was all I could think about.  It was once suggested to me by someone else in the program to just think about one other person besides myself today.  That was kind of a rude awakening because I always thought of myself as a kind person.  I’m not.  I’m self-centered.

It seems that what was true of me yesterday is also true of me today.  I’m still self-centered.  My thinker is broken and to tell you the truth it’s kind of a relief to me to know that I don’t have to think my way out of anything or try to examine my relationships.  I can live and let live.  I can allow my relationships to move in the direction that they will and trust in the process and my higher power.

Just for today I cease thinking.

Sleepless Nights

~ Patti ~ 3 Comments

I’m still an alcoholic and the world is still for me sometimes filled with a million forms of fear.  I don’t sleep well at night because I don’t know how to relax.  I worry about work.  I worry about my family and sometimes I just worry.  For no apparent reason I have general anxiety that I can’t name or put a face to.  Sometimes it’s just the committees in my head that have conversations or I have arguments with myself that keep me up at night.  Sometimes I’m afraid of the dark, the unknown abyss that lies looming in front of me.  After a night tossing and turning the morning brings an emotional hangover that includes a headache and sometimes a little nausea.  The day begins and sometimes all I can do is just show up to work and do the next right thing.

The funny thing about these nights is that I’ve learned how to ride them out.  I’ve learned how to show up for myself, my family and my friends.  I’ve learned that all of the things I worry about never come to fruition and it’s a lot of wasted time and energy.  Most of all I’ve learned how to roll with the punches.  The punches being the endless worry.  I’ve learned not to trust the committees while at the same time trusting in myself and my ability to overcome any challenge that I may have.

You see I’ve come to accept that I am bodily and mentally different from normal people.  Most of all I’ve come to accept that this is part of me and my alcoholism and I’ve learned that I don’t have to be normal and I’m comfortable with my crazy.  I don’t have a need to fix it or cure it.  I can be with what is.

Although I don’t need a cure and I don’t need it fixed, I do have a solution.  I have my 12 step program that I can trust and rely on.  It has never failed me because it gave me a tool box.  It taught me to suit up and show up.  It taught me one day at a time.  It taught me how to connect with a higher power of my own understanding.  It taught me not to quit before the miracle happens.  It taught me to do the next right thing. It taught me live and let live.   And it taught me to trust that if I follow the principles I will stay sober and that there are certain promises that come true.  When I first got sober I hated these trite one line phrases that are supposed to make me feel better but didn’t.  After some time in the program I became indoctrinated, maybe even brainwashed.  They became a part of me, a habit.

Because of the principles of the program, I live a good life today.  I have a loving husband, I have family and friends that love me, I have a degree and a good job that give me a comfortable living.  I know that my fears have the capacity to sabotage all of that and that’s when I pull out my tool box.  I tell myself to live and let live.  None of my worries are life threatening.  I tend to catastrophize.   

Tonight, when I can’t sleep I know that this too shall pass and I don’t beat myself up because I can’t stop obsessing.  I recognize it for what it is and that it’s part of the disease of alcoholism.  I pull out my tool box and pray.  I practice meditating on what’s good and right in my life.  Just like an athlete or musician practices their plays or the score in their head, I practice creating the life I want in my head instead of the life I’m afraid of.  I make a mental gratitude list and I write.  Somehow when I write it pulls together all of the lose yarns and weaves them into a scarf that I can wrap around my neck and get some warmth and comfort from and if I’m really lucky someone else will too.  That’s the hope, that my experience can benefit others and that’s the promise.

Just for tonight I’ll meditate knowing that I’ll sleep when I need to and knowing that all is right with my world.

 

Balance

~ Patti ~ Leave a comment

Balance: an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady, a condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions, keep or put something in a steady position so that it does not fall, offset or compare the value of one thing with another.

One of my children was talking about balance this weekend.  I had to ask myself, “What does balance mean?  What does a balanced life look like?  How do I balance my family of five children and four grandchildren with a second marriage, a career, my recovery and my relationship to my higher power?  When is it appropriate to put all else on hold and take care of me?  When is it selfish?  Do I include the environment?  How about the animals I’m responsible for?  Where is the line between taking care of my house so that it’s a home and making it part of the Parade of Homes?  How about money?  How do I balance giving to my kids and saving for my future? How do I balance enjoying life and building up my bank account?  Where is the balance between doing the things I enjoy and taking care of others?  How about my heath?  How about what I eat?  How much do I take time out of a busy schedule and my family to exercise?”

The more questions I asked the more out of balance I felt and the more confused I felt.  I haven’t even added in my extended family.  I felt overwhelmed.  Clearly I’m out of balance.  I’m feeling unsteady.  I’m getting ready for a fall.  What that means for me is some kind of emotional meltdown or anxiety, sometimes a season of depression.

I thought of Rober Fulghum’s book, All I Ever Needed to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten.  “Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.”  He admonishes us to share, play fair, don’t hit, clean up your own mess, don’t take things, say you’re sorry, hold hands and stick together.  He makes balance simple.

My depression and anxiety are there for a reason.  They force me to balance my life.  I do not have the luxury of normal people to live off of balance for long periods of time running to and fro from one activity to another.  My years of untreated depression eventually brought me to medicate it with alcohol.  My anxiety and depression warn me that something is off and I’ve learned to pay attention.  I’ve learned to accept anxiety and depression for the warning signal that it is and be grateful for it.   Balance is continuous and it changes daily.  If I struggle with anxiety and depression it means that my life is off balance and I must do the inner work to make the adjustments.  It’s a one day at a time proposition.

Just for today I think I’ll draw and paint when I get home from work and maybe pet the dog too.