Fear

Everything Changes

~ Patti ~ Leave a comment

My daughter just celebrated four years of sobriety.  As I was sitting in her home group meeting watching her share I began reminiscing about when she first graduated from treatment and how unsure of herself she was.  She was struggling in this tiny apartment to etch out a living for herself.  Now she has four years, was just promoted to a position that put her and her two boys out of poverty level.  She and her boyfriend of two years have started talking about marriage.

I remember my own situation 14 years ago going through a divorce and a custody battle, hating my ex-husband and fearing everything. I went back to school wondering if I would ever make it or if I was smart enough. A friend described my early sobriety while he was sharing in a meeting on my birthday.  He said, “She was so nervous, she shook like a little Chihuahua.”  That was the truth.  Now my ex-husband and his wife are considered some of my best friends, I have a chemistry degree, I manage someone else’s business, drive a new car and am married to my soul mate.

During one of my worst times a friend of mine in the program said, “One thing I know for sure; everything changes.  Throughout the last 14 years when I’m frustrated, sad, feel stuck or depressed I take comfort in the fact that everything changes.  Change used to be frightening and quite frankly still is sometimes.  But when life takes a turn for the worst, I know that change is around the corner.

Life changed for my daughter in four short years.  Life changed for me.  Had I known that when I was worried I wouldn’t make it and full of anxiety, I might have enjoyed the journey.  I might have laughed with my children more, experienced more of college, been relaxed about dating, loved more, taken more baths and thought of others instead of myself.

I have a hard time remembering that when my back is against the wall at work or my husband needs to get his heart checked out or my kids tell me they are struggling with depression.  Tomorrow everything could be roses and when I get too confident in my position and my ego starts working, I have to remember that everything changes there too.  Tomorrow I could be knocked down a peg.  Life is that way.

So I think the point is to stay in the moment where peace abounds in any situation and not think about tomorrow.  I’m told tomorrow will take care of itself.  Everything changes.

Just for today, I’ll stay in the moment knowing that circumstances change and that peace is found in the now.

Fighting Against the Tide

~ Patti ~ Leave a comment

One of my sons went to the doctor for depression.  The doctor had him fill out a questionnaire that asked things like, “Do you think that bad things will happen to you?  Do you think that you are going to die?”  Even when my son is depressed, he always seems to find the humor in things.  He’s telling me the story and we’re both laughing, “Of course bad things are going to happen to me and I’m going to die.”  Doesn’t everyone know that?  As an alcoholic, those thoughts come naturally for me and apparently they come naturally for him too.

It turns out that he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in which at first I took the news rather well and decided that it made sense with some of his dangerous behaviors and highs and lows.  I was relieved he at least had a name to it and that there is definite help for it.  But after a couple of hours I started catastrophizing it.  I thought about all the bad things that could happen with it and thought that maybe he could die from dangerous behaviors or suicide.  I also thought that I must have been a really bad mother and I asked myself if I was abusive and I don’t remember it or don’t recognize it.  The more I wondered if I was crazy the crazier I got.

I texted my sister for some support and she said what I expected her too.  She told me to raise my energy and think about all the things I love about my son and to think positive thoughts about his healing.  She told me to create wellness and love.  I totally agreed with her, but as always, the practice is far harder than the theory.

By the end of the day I was so exhausted with worry and projection and beating myself up that I came home from work and went to bed without fixing dinner for myself or my husband.  As I lay in bed I thought of the things my sister told me to do.  I knew she was right but I still wanted to sulk.  I knew my son needed positive support but I couldn’t lift myself up enough to send it to him through meditation, prayer or any other way.  I couldn’t shake the thought that it was my fault or that I could have prevented it.

So I did what I used to do when I first got sober.  It’s my personality to fear life and tough times and just go to bed in the fetal position for days or weeks and not come out of my room fearing what’s on the outside.  When I first got sober I was afraid of doing that because I knew that I wouldn’t come out of my room except to go to the liquor store.  So when I went through divorce, or broke up with my boyfriend or needed a fourth surgery on my hand, I’d go to bed in fetal position but I would limit it.  Just for today I’ll stay in bed.  Tomorrow morning I’ll resume my regular life and practice positive thinking.

By doing that, I’ve allowed myself to grieve but not wallow.  It takes the pressure off and I don’t have to beat myself up for not being positive in a tough situation or not practicing what I preach.  I went to bed at 6:00am and got up in the morning and things looked just a little lighter which made it easier for me to meditate on the positive and send my son positive energy.

He called me two days later and reported that he was already feeling better.  I contribute it to the creation of positive energy and technology of course.  I also contribute it to the fact that I wasn’t trying to fight against the tide.  I allowed myself just enough isolation and grief to let some very real feelings and fear out but not enough to stop my productivity.  It allowed me to be rational about his depression and it allowed me to accept it as being life on life’s terms.

Just for today, I give myself a break and allow myself the time to pull myself together.

Depression

~ Patti ~ Leave a comment

Early sobriety was difficult for me.  The promises of sobriety are said to materialize, sometimes quickly sometimes slowly.  For me it was this painful grueling process in which I hung on by my fingernails for almost three years.  I had worked the steps. I had a sponsor that I called everyday along with other sober friends.  I went to meetings whenever I could.  I prayed and tried my best to assemble some sort of spiritual life.  I read books.  I was really no better off than before I had started drinking.  Or at least that’s how I felt.  I only drank for three years to medicate my depression before ending up in a treatment center.   I was still miserable and self-destructive.  Although I didn’t drink, I picked up smoking.  At times, I was suicidal.  And finally after three years of this, I relapsed.  I had to get out of the fear and anxiety somehow.  I was desperate.  The frightening part is that it almost was an automatic response to life’s stress for me.  There wasn’t a lot of forethought and it was totally unplanned.  It was such a short relapse that I decided no one needed to know about it (another story), but I did decide that maybe it was time to see a doctor and get some outside help and some antidepressants.

I know there are those in 12 step programs that disagree with having prescribed antidepressants.  I am not one of them as long as they are of the non-addictive variety.  What I know for sure is that I am bodily and mentally different from my fellows.  I have studied chemistry and biology and what I know today is that I sometimes suffer from not having the right amount of neurotransmitters in my brain to prevent depression no matter how hard I work my program.  I also know that my sobriety is contingent upon my spiritual condition.  I think sometimes I’m led by my higher power to seek medical help when necessary.  It’s not a character weakness.  For me it’s more like a bronchial infection that needs medical attention every so often when I have some unusual stress.

After three months of medication, I was a new person.  My life changed dramatically.  However, I don’t believe it was all in the medication.  My work with the 12 steps was preparation and the medicine was the catalyst that helped increase the activation energy of the work I had done, putting me in a far better place mentally in a shorter amount of time.

I do not recommend this for everyone. It’s just part of my story.  I do understand that my disease stands waiting for me.  I understand that there is also only so much stress, anxiety and fear that I can take before taking a drink is automatic.  I have a quality life and I work a solid program, but sometimes it’s not enough.  I need medical help.  I practice all kinds of alternative medicine and believe in living as drug free as possible which includes antidepressants and antibiotics, asprin, etc.  There is a time and a place for my program.  There is a time and a place for alternative medicine.  There is a time and a place for medical intervention.  The trick is putting aside my ego that tells me I can do it on my own and knowing how much is enough. Living life on life’s terms tells me that I will get a bronchial infection from time to time.  It tells me I will have depression from time to time.  I’m ok with that today and I’m ok with getting the help I need.

Just for today I will live life on life’s terms and accept it.

Overthinking

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Lately I’ve been making myself insane with over-thinking.  I have conversations with myself in my head and I try to guess what others are thinking about me.  I begin to think my husband has lost interest and I worry about work.  Anyone who knows my husband would tell you how ridiculous that is.  I lose a lot of sleep but most of all I’ve gotten out of my peaceful place and I no longer feel comfortable in my own skin.  When this lasts longer than a couple of days the irritability starts to set in.  Then I become restless.  I start to think I should change where I work, where I live, etc., etc. Fear begins to take over.   Does that sound familiar?  Restless, irritable and discontent are classic hallmarks of a dry drunk.  Finally, when it gets to be so uncomfortable that I can’t stand it anymore I go back to the basics.

My first sponsor was a gentle woman.  She had to be.  I was extremely fragile in the beginning.  If I would have had a 12 step program Nazi, I probably would not be sober today.  I called her at least three times a day in the beginning because my anxiety was so severe.  I called several other people throughout the day too.  But one day after listening to my ranting, she became totally exasperated.  First of all, she told me that it was none of my business what anyone thought of me.

The next thing she said kind of shocked sense into me.  I’m a smart person.  I was going to school and taking calculus, chemistry and physics.  I had the attitude that I could out think anything if I just ruminated long enough.  Out of sheer frustration with me she said, “YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO THINK ANYMORE!  YOUR THINKER IS BROKEN!  YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO THINK!”  Then she said, “From now on you can use your thinking for math and science only.  In no other circumstance are you allowed to dwell or ruminate on any thought.”

For some reason those words resonated with me and I knew it was true.  Thinking in the end either damaged or destroyed most of my relationships.  It never failed to cause me extreme anxiety.  Worse of all, I was all I could think about.  It was once suggested to me by someone else in the program to just think about one other person besides myself today.  That was kind of a rude awakening because I always thought of myself as a kind person.  I’m not.  I’m self-centered.

It seems that what was true of me yesterday is also true of me today.  I’m still self-centered.  My thinker is broken and to tell you the truth it’s kind of a relief to me to know that I don’t have to think my way out of anything or try to examine my relationships.  I can live and let live.  I can allow my relationships to move in the direction that they will and trust in the process and my higher power.

Just for today I cease thinking.

Sleepless Nights

~ Patti ~ 3 Comments

I’m still an alcoholic and the world is still for me sometimes filled with a million forms of fear.  I don’t sleep well at night because I don’t know how to relax.  I worry about work.  I worry about my family and sometimes I just worry.  For no apparent reason I have general anxiety that I can’t name or put a face to.  Sometimes it’s just the committees in my head that have conversations or I have arguments with myself that keep me up at night.  Sometimes I’m afraid of the dark, the unknown abyss that lies looming in front of me.  After a night tossing and turning the morning brings an emotional hangover that includes a headache and sometimes a little nausea.  The day begins and sometimes all I can do is just show up to work and do the next right thing.

The funny thing about these nights is that I’ve learned how to ride them out.  I’ve learned how to show up for myself, my family and my friends.  I’ve learned that all of the things I worry about never come to fruition and it’s a lot of wasted time and energy.  Most of all I’ve learned how to roll with the punches.  The punches being the endless worry.  I’ve learned not to trust the committees while at the same time trusting in myself and my ability to overcome any challenge that I may have.

You see I’ve come to accept that I am bodily and mentally different from normal people.  Most of all I’ve come to accept that this is part of me and my alcoholism and I’ve learned that I don’t have to be normal and I’m comfortable with my crazy.  I don’t have a need to fix it or cure it.  I can be with what is.

Although I don’t need a cure and I don’t need it fixed, I do have a solution.  I have my 12 step program that I can trust and rely on.  It has never failed me because it gave me a tool box.  It taught me to suit up and show up.  It taught me one day at a time.  It taught me how to connect with a higher power of my own understanding.  It taught me not to quit before the miracle happens.  It taught me to do the next right thing. It taught me live and let live.   And it taught me to trust that if I follow the principles I will stay sober and that there are certain promises that come true.  When I first got sober I hated these trite one line phrases that are supposed to make me feel better but didn’t.  After some time in the program I became indoctrinated, maybe even brainwashed.  They became a part of me, a habit.

Because of the principles of the program, I live a good life today.  I have a loving husband, I have family and friends that love me, I have a degree and a good job that give me a comfortable living.  I know that my fears have the capacity to sabotage all of that and that’s when I pull out my tool box.  I tell myself to live and let live.  None of my worries are life threatening.  I tend to catastrophize.   

Tonight, when I can’t sleep I know that this too shall pass and I don’t beat myself up because I can’t stop obsessing.  I recognize it for what it is and that it’s part of the disease of alcoholism.  I pull out my tool box and pray.  I practice meditating on what’s good and right in my life.  Just like an athlete or musician practices their plays or the score in their head, I practice creating the life I want in my head instead of the life I’m afraid of.  I make a mental gratitude list and I write.  Somehow when I write it pulls together all of the lose yarns and weaves them into a scarf that I can wrap around my neck and get some warmth and comfort from and if I’m really lucky someone else will too.  That’s the hope, that my experience can benefit others and that’s the promise.

Just for tonight I’ll meditate knowing that I’ll sleep when I need to and knowing that all is right with my world.

 

Tomorrow’s Business

~ Patti ~ Leave a comment

I had lunch with my soon to be daughter in law over the weekend.  Her and my son has been talking about what they want their wedding ceremony to be like.  Much to my surprise, my son told her that he would like me to get ordained over the internet and to perform the wedding ceremony.  He calls me the family’s spiritual leader.  Although I was extremely flattered and would probably perform the ceremony if they really wanted me to, I also have a lot of fear rushing through my veins.

I’m not afraid to speak and perform the actual ceremony but more afraid of the implications of being ordained.   I’m not very spiritual.  I’m still self-centered and self-seeking.  I am prone to tantrums when things don’t go my way.  I still curse and have been known to sneak a cigarette or two.  I am extremely materialistic.  I can be judgmental of others and most of the time I’d rather help myself than others.   My life has been fraught with some really poor choices.  Most of all, I’m an alcoholic.  My sobriety is only contingent upon my spiritual condition today.  I’m afraid I will fall.  My head is filled with the committees telling me I’m not good enough.   My mind races and has prepared all of the arguments for and against this idea.  I’ve already prepared the sermon and the polite decline.

I ponder what I would tell a sponsee if faced with a similar dilemma.  The first thing I would probably say is, “La tee da.  Welcome to the human condition.”  Everyone faces these very human emotions and reactions to life.  I realized that with every responsibility I was given I was not necessarily ready, but that I grew into it.  I wasn’t a mother when my son was born.  I wasn’t a grandmother when my first grandchild was born.  I wasn’t a chemist when I started school.   I wasn’t a manager when I was given the title.  I wasn’t a wife when I got married.  I wasn’t a sponsor when I was first asked to help another alcoholic.  I wasn’t even an alcoholic when I got sober.  I was just a drunk.  With every responsibility I’ve ever had, I learned as I went.  It was on the job training.  Each responsibility, in some way, made me a better, stronger and a more compassionate, less self-centered person.  If I had said no to any one of those responsibilities my life would have been dramatically altered and I would not have grown into me.

Maybe God is calling me to go deeper into my spirituality and to become stronger.  Maybe my higher power just wants me to perform a simple ceremony.  Then again, I am alcoholic.  I haven’t even been officially asked by my son yet.  I would probably tell my sponsee to worry about today and stay out of tomorrow’s business.

Just for today I think I will.

 

Things We Trip On

~ Patti ~ Leave a comment

The day I walked into my first 12 step meeting, I had barely finished detoxing.  I was still in treatment, still shaky and terrified, full of a million forms of fear.  I knew my life was ending as I knew it.  My marriage had ended a long time before I started drinking.  I thought if I had a few drinks and relaxed maybe things would improve.  It worked until it didn’t.  I knew divorce was imminent.  I had no education and no skills.  I knew I’d have to provide for myself after 20 years of being a stay at home mom. 

We are told, “There are those that suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them recover if they have the capacity to be honest.”

“I knew I couldn’t stay sober,” was probably the first honest thing I said to myself in a long time.

Over the years when I look back on that time, I still feel this pain inside my chest.  I still feel the fear.  I still feel the heartbreak and I still feel the pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization of my disease.  I still feel the physical weakness and the nausea after detoxing for 3 days. I still feel the tremors.  I feel that feeling of being utterly alone in an abyss of darkness where there is not one single person that believes in you or even cares, not even yourself.  I don’t think it’s hard to figure out why someone would commit suicide.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was walking into the light.  There in the middle of the city in a mental hospital, I found a room of hope. I found a group of people who loved me sober and they would love me drunk.  My higher power is a funny thing.  As my life was ending, he met me at the door with the beginning of a new life.

My current husband was the chairman of that very meeting.  It was 11 months before we dated and 6 years before we married from that time.  I’m married to a man that knows who I am at my sickest and knows who I am at my healthiest and loves me anyway.  Maybe even because of it.

I don’t suggest looking for a soul mate at a 12 step meeting.  We are not sane people.  I’m just saying that when our old life ends, our higher power has already made arrangements for the new.  We probably trip over it.  Sometimes it just takes standing still and doing the next right thing one day at a time.  I decided that it wasn’t important that I was happy.  It was important that I did what was suggested for me to do.  When I had thoughts of suicide, I said to myself that I would stay here just for today.  I went to meetings, found a sponsor, and worked 12 steps.

What I’ve found is that it’s the things I do a little every day that make up my life.  If I work on my sobriety a little every day I’ll stay sober.  If I work on my education a little every day, I end up with a degree.  If I work on not having to control my loved ones a little every day, I end up with good relationships.  If I work on thinking good thoughts a little every day, I end up happy.

The opposite it true also.  The small amount of negativity I subject myself to every day, can corrode my career, my relationships and my sobriety. It’s a choice.

Just for today I think I’ll focus on one good thought.

Peace on Earth

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The camping trip this weekend was a good chance to talk to my sons, especially while traveling.  They are very much like me when I was in my 20’s.  The world seems like a daunting place to be and when you are 20 and realize what a violent state the world is in and what a sad history our own country has, it seems discouraging.  They are young and energetic but wonder about how wise it is to bring children into the world; they wonder how they can choose careers that make a difference.  They feel like there is nothing they can really do anyway.  And like me, they tend to overthink the issues.

I struggled to find anything to say that could truly bring light into the subject or comfort.  I mumbled something about change starting at home and in our own lives and allowing that to ripple into our communities.  I don’t believe they really understood what I meant or how that would even work.  I thought about it all weekend.

I’m a recovering alcoholic.  My 12 step program suggests that I drink because I’m irritable and discontent.  In other words I drink because of a lack of peace.  When I drink, like most drunks, I’m prone to less than charitable behavior.  I’m self will run riot.  When 80 percent of the population in prisons are addicts and alcoholics, you might get the idea that it’s the lack of individual peace that causes all of the crimes.

It makes sense to me that if every person in the world were at peace, there would be peace on earth.  Violence would disappear.  So, peace starts with me.  When I’m agitated about my job, or my kids, or the economy, or traffic, or lack of peace in my country or in the world, I’m not at peace.  My family soon follows suit and we gripe together.  Pretty soon, they are griping with their friends and I’m griping with my friends.  Doesn’t it make sense that the mood would eventually reach the other side of the globe?

I’m not saying we should never do anything, and I’m not saying I live in perfect peace.  I’m just saying maybe it would be a start.  Maybe it’s time I let go of guilt, resentment and fear.  Those are the ones that cause me all of the trouble.  I don’t drink over them anymore, but they still sit there in the recesses of my mind quietly causing they’re destruction and robbing me of my serenity and possibly robbing my family and coworkers of their serenity.

Just for today I will practice developing a peaceful heart by letting go of guilt, resentment and fear.  Who knows who it might reach?