I had lunch with my soon to be daughter in law over the weekend.  Her and my son has been talking about what they want their wedding ceremony to be like.  Much to my surprise, my son told her that he would like me to get ordained over the internet and to perform the wedding ceremony.  He calls me the family’s spiritual leader.  Although I was extremely flattered and would probably perform the ceremony if they really wanted me to, I also have a lot of fear rushing through my veins.

I’m not afraid to speak and perform the actual ceremony but more afraid of the implications of being ordained.   I’m not very spiritual.  I’m still self-centered and self-seeking.  I am prone to tantrums when things don’t go my way.  I still curse and have been known to sneak a cigarette or two.  I am extremely materialistic.  I can be judgmental of others and most of the time I’d rather help myself than others.   My life has been fraught with some really poor choices.  Most of all, I’m an alcoholic.  My sobriety is only contingent upon my spiritual condition today.  I’m afraid I will fall.  My head is filled with the committees telling me I’m not good enough.   My mind races and has prepared all of the arguments for and against this idea.  I’ve already prepared the sermon and the polite decline.

I ponder what I would tell a sponsee if faced with a similar dilemma.  The first thing I would probably say is, “La tee da.  Welcome to the human condition.”  Everyone faces these very human emotions and reactions to life.  I realized that with every responsibility I was given I was not necessarily ready, but that I grew into it.  I wasn’t a mother when my son was born.  I wasn’t a grandmother when my first grandchild was born.  I wasn’t a chemist when I started school.   I wasn’t a manager when I was given the title.  I wasn’t a wife when I got married.  I wasn’t a sponsor when I was first asked to help another alcoholic.  I wasn’t even an alcoholic when I got sober.  I was just a drunk.  With every responsibility I’ve ever had, I learned as I went.  It was on the job training.  Each responsibility, in some way, made me a better, stronger and a more compassionate, less self-centered person.  If I had said no to any one of those responsibilities my life would have been dramatically altered and I would not have grown into me.

Maybe God is calling me to go deeper into my spirituality and to become stronger.  Maybe my higher power just wants me to perform a simple ceremony.  Then again, I am alcoholic.  I haven’t even been officially asked by my son yet.  I would probably tell my sponsee to worry about today and stay out of tomorrow’s business.

Just for today I think I will.