Spiritual Condition

Relief From Self

~ Patti ~ Leave a comment

I’ve been working overtime for two months straight.  The company I work for is getting a new computer system so I’ve been working a lot of nights at home.  My daughter and I had a fight and when we talked about it later I realized I had a little PTSD going on.  She was extremely thoughtful and asked me what was going on to set it off.  She has the same disturbance sometimes and knows that stress usually is the trigger more than the actual memory.  I have a lot going on at work and at home and haven’t had the time to do any of the things that I do to take care of myself and my spiritual condition.

I go to 12 step meetings.  I camp…. In a trailer…  I actually Glamp.  When I’m out in the middle of the desert my mind quiets.  I’m at perfect peace.  It is my sanctuary where I meet my higher power.  I write in my blog.  It connects me to other alcoholics and gives me perspective.  I sit in my spa in a box cheap portable hot tub.  It relaxes me.  I dabble with my essential oils.  I read.  I exercise.  These are the things that have replaced alcohol in my life and center me.  I have not done any of them in two months.  You can guess how crazy I feel.

The thing is you don’t notice they are missing until it’s too late.  In my case, I blow a gasket, yell at someone I love, get grumpy to my coworkers, send snotty emails and I’m just plain unpleasant.  Then comes the voice of regret that tells me I’ve gone too far.  That means it’s time to get back to basics.

Everyone’s sanctuary is different but step 10 is the same for all of us.  We continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.  Step 10 is a wonderful tool but by the time we were wrong and admitted it the damage has already been done.  I think a more preventative step would be to wake up in the morning and ask, “What am I going to do today to nurture my spirit? And what kindness can I show today?” I forget that everyone else is just as stressed as I am.  I’m still the center of my own world and I live inside my head with the pride of life.  It’s all about my kids, my husband, my job and my house.  It’s about what I want and what I have.  It’s about my rest and my playtime.  It’s about my money.  It’s about me.  I tend to think that all of life is about me and that the world was especially formed for me.

I know that about myself and that character defect has been taken away from me enough to keep me sober.

I can’t say that the self-centeredness will change, but just for today I can say I will take care of my spirit and write.  Maybe it will relieve me just a little from self.

Do Not Take Anything Personally

~ Patti ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes I take my sobriety for granted.  We survive a lot to get sober and to stay sober.  It was usually a catastrophic event that we drank over anyway.  When we get sober we have to learn to mourn and grieve without alcohol.  We’ve survived DTs and the 12 steps. I sometimes feel like my Grandmother when she’d talked about the Great Depression.  She was tough as nails and I feel like I’m tough as nails.

My sponsor used to hammer an important concept: “Do not ever take anything personally.”

“I’m sorry, “I said, “It’s all personal!  How could it not be?”

I finally got it.  I finally realized that the words or deeds that others do to offend me are not about me.  They come from the inner dealings of their own issues.  Their problem with me, is not about me, therefore I do not need to take it personally or be offended.  What that concept gave me was an inner freedom.  I was finally free to be who I was.  I didn’t have to apologize for it, or excuse it or hide it.  I’m strong because I’m free.  The fear of people left me.  Resentments left me.

Then something or someone comes along to remind us of our fragility.  I thought I quit caring about what others think of me.  I thought I could handle anyone’s barbed words and let it roll off of my back.  Alcoholics are by nature hypersensitive.  I thought I let go of the hypersensitivity when I let go of my resentments.  And I did.

What I come to realize is that we have only a daily reprieve.  If I am not vigilant and if I am not actively taking care of my sobriety, my hypersensitivity is activated.  Sometimes it’s activated in the most inconvenient of places.  My sobriety is contingent on my spiritual condition.  If I don’t take care of my spiritual condition, I become hypersensitive and in turn am endangered to drink.

Taking care of my spiritual condition may be different for you than it is for me.  I think for me it means I take the time at least once a day to be quiet and to quiet my mind.  In addition to being an alcoholic, I’m also an introvert.  I need a sufficient amount of quiet to go back out into the world and let possibly offending words and deeds roll off of my back.  I know myself and know my limitations.

So, I will tend to my spiritual condition, just for today.